Human desire, invisible cage | Simply Ranked

The definitive weekly ranking and analysis of all the skateboarding and other online things that I cannot stop consuming and how they make me feel, personally.

Suffering

Rank: -1
Mood: 😡

The struggle to land a trick on one’s skateboard is often an obtuse calculus of our own design. Variables of ability, experience, mindset, skate spot, weather conditions, whether you like your fit or not, and infinite other possibilities compound, making your particular and personal equation wobbly, chaotic and a struggle to balance. Sometimes we purposefully make things too hard for ourselves, confusing difficulty with progress. That’s when the numbers begin to blur, the solution out of focus, leaving us with only frustration and grit in our teeth.

The joy

Rank: +1
Mood: 🤤

But once you solve that equation, and the trick to the trick reveals itself like a ghost who wasn’t so much haunting you but trying unsuccessfully to make friends; you can exhale. Begin to enjoy the thing that was torture moments before. Then do it again and again, the same joy bouncing through your person each time you ride away.

Rise and grind

Rank: 3(rd day)
Mood: t✝️t

In what one assumes was a calculated Easter weekend scheduling, Street League Skateboarding held its first “SLS Resurrection” event, recreating San Francisco’s iconic and long-deceased Hubba Hideout. Twelve of today’s top professional skateboarders were invited to try their luck on the obstacle, with one ultimate winner chosen by judges Eric Koston (of backside noseblunt slide on Hubba Hideout fame) and Paul Rodriguez (of general skateboarding fame).

Across four unevenly distributed heats (Heat One featured four skaters, Heat Two had five, Heat Three was host to three for some reason, and Heat Four a free-for-all with all skaters), participants had eight minutes to land as many tricks and Never-Been-Dones as possible. But, in an interesting twist, many of them struggled. The “resurrected” spot a seemingly accurate replica of the original and ultimately difficult to solve. Shane O’Neill could only manage a crooked grind; Taylor Kirby claimed nothing beyond warm-ups. Even Nyjah Huston was mostly foiled by the spot before struggling to ride away from a switch heelflip frontside tailslide.

The one person who did not toil was Braden Hoban. Over roughly 16 minutes, Hoban landed, in order:

• Kickflip frontside nosegrind
• Impossible 50-50
• Kickflip frontside nosegrind 180
• Kickflip backside nosegrind 180
• Kickflip frontside bluntslide
• Backside nosebluntslide
• Impossible frontside nosegrind
• Switch 360 flip (down the stairs)
• Kickflip backside noseblunt slide

Those tricks eclipsed every other competitor and seemed to take Hoban no more than three tries each. Given this absurd performance and his equally absurd spate of recent video parts, the gangly 20-year-old appears primed to do big things in our little world.

Overall, “SLS Resurrection” was a fun concept, and one can only assume the next event will be held on the anniversary of the Ancient Greek goddess Rhea bringing her grandson Dionysus back to life after he was torn apart by titans as a child.

What the pro skaters are thinkin’ (to the tune of “Poets” by The Tragically Hip)

Rank: 280
Mood: ⌨️

Consensus was not reached in the comments below.

Thanks, Bob.

A reasonable insight.

Seems like you’re being a bit hard on yourself, Muska. It’s important to look back and appreciate the things you’ve—

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of daydreaming—

I—

Feelings of yore (see T-Funk soar)

Rank: 1!
Mood: 🪁

Months of anticipation were relieved in seconds. Since the release of Tristan Funkhouser’s December 2021 Thrasher cover that seemed to deny reality, we’d been waiting to see if it was true. Some thought it was an impossibility, floating on ollie frontside over the long bench at China Banks. Photos were shared illustrating just how steep the bank was and how the bench at its bottom stretched insurmountably on.

Then on 4/20, because of course, Baker debuted “Baker Video with Tyson and T Funk” on thrashermagazine.com. We knew it was coming throughout the nearly twenty-minute video chock-full of highspeed hairball stunts. It had to be. And for 17 minutes, I held onto an old familiar feeling from my youth, one caused by the months or years between a photo being confirmed on video; that wriggly anxiety of the unknown about to become known. Would the trick live up to our expectations? Did the photo do it justice? Overinflate its magnitude? Is that Jim Ford leading us towards our answer—

Something to consider:

Good things:

Until next week… during your next grocery run, pick up an item you’ve never used before. It could be a condiment, some sort of long grain wild rice—whatever calls out to you.